Phonological Puns

  1. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
  2. My wedding was so beautiful the cake was in tiers.
  3. Don't take geologists for granite.
  4. Lent is coming. Get your ash in church.
  5. If you can think of a better fish pun let minnow.
  6. I'd make a veggie joke but no one would carrot all.
  7. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.
  8. A book just fell on my head. I have only got my shelf to blame.
  9. A man walks into a zoo where the only animal is a small dog. It was a shih tzu.
  10. If you can't find anyone to sing with you then you have to duet yourself.
  11. They say a Fruedian slip is when you say one thing but really mean your mother.
  12. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
  13. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
  14. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
  15. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  16. I met a girl once with 12 nipples. Sounds funny, dozen tit?
  17. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
  18. A man just assaulted me with milk cream and butter. How dairy!
  19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  20. I thought my nose was bleeding but it's snot.
  21. Bagpipes should be played tenor maybe eleven miles away.
  22. He who farts in church sits in own pew.
  23. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  24. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
  25. The pun is mightier than the sword.
  26. What do cannibals have for lunch? Baked beings.
  27. I want to tell you a chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.
  28. She fell threw the window but felt no pane.
  29. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence, and as he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
  30. My mom laughed when I said I made a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
  31. "I hate tacos," said no Juan ever.
  32. I have a salad problem... it needs a dressing.
  33. I've been thinking about buying some velcro shoes. I mean... why knot?
  34. Thank goodness I got that job at the bakery. I kneeded the dough.
  35. The indecisive rower could not choose either oar.
  36. It was not school that John disliked. It was just the principal of it.
  37. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she would dye.
  38. A cardboard belt is a waist of paper.
  39. Scarecrows are always garden their patch.
  40. What did the baby tomato do when left in the BLT overnight? It wet the bread.
  41. Mountains aren't just funny. They are hill areas.
  42. I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have put it in at Aloha temperature.
  43. I brought too many cut-outs and not enough spray paint. It was a real extra-stencil crisis.
  44. A dry salad is an issue that desperately needs a dressing.
  45. I didn't want to kiss my mom but she incested.
  46. Finding a way to mix Italian food with dessert isn't hard at all. It's a pizza cake.
  47. My roommates are mad at me for stealing their kitchen utensils but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  48. I used to love my ex-girlfriends breasts but now they are just distant mammaries.
  49. I was born in the year of the horse and now I'm a naysayer.
  50. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jesture.